Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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