Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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