Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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