I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
