She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
