The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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