My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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