She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
