dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
