So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
