I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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