We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Randomize