i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
