Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
