Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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