I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
