everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
