I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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