he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
