What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
