Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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