the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
