Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
