Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
