i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
