just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
