A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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