Girls should come with a carfax report
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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