Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
