I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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