My room smells like vodka and shame
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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