So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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