I wanna bring you to show and tell
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
