I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize