Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I touched a dick in church today
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
