separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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