Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
