i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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