I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
