9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
