ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
