i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize