So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
