she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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