the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Randomize
