I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
