That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
