I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
