Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
