I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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