are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
His hands were made for my vagina.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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