I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
