I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize