My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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