hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
