she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
