Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
