I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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